In my life, I have sold and closed on two properties that were a “primary residence,” and both times, I decided to welcome the new buyer with a kind gesture.

First, I had the property professionally cleaned to a level that even my OCD-self would be impressed by.  In neither case did the buyer insert a clause in the APS that stated the property must be professionally cleaned, but it was a small gesture (probably $150 back in 2009 and $300 in 2017) and one that I felt was warranted.

Secondly, I left a hand-written note and a bottle of champagne for the buyer, addressing them by name.  The note for the 2017 sale was longer and a bit mushier, as I disclosed that I had proposed to my wife in the condo, and that we brought our first child home to the condo, and that we wished the new buyers all the love and happiness in the world as they created new memories and experiences of their own in the condo.

While few of the readers know me personally, and I do come off as a jerk on this blog quite often (of course that’s part of the character I portray…), I really do believe in small gestures of goodwill, in all areas of life.  It’s so easy to hold the door for somebody at Tim Horton’s, or to allow somebody to get on the elevator before you while saying, “Please,” and offering a smile.

Even in the case of investment properties I’ve sold, I’ve still taken the same path.  Even though there were no emotions there and it was “just business,” I felt that the properties were now becoming someone’s home and that a great first impression would go a long, long way.

On Monday, we talked about the nonsense that buyers often have to go through upon closing.   Missing drapes or fireplaces, per the blog post, but much, much worse per the comments!

One reader shared that when he closed on a house in the 1990’s, the light bulbs were missing!

Yuck.

That takes a special type of asshole to pull that off.

But on the flip-side, when does the buyer take or ask too much?

When does the seller do more than enough, and when does the buyer, their agent, and their lawyer cross the line of what’s acceptable and rational, and move toward what is absolutely outrageous?

I have many stories to this effect, but one stands out.

You see, not everybody is meant to live in a house.  By the same token, not everybody is meant to live in a condo, but there are some people that should live in houses and some people that should live in condos, and this story deals with a buyer and an agent who know nothing about houses and for whom the learning curve is going to be steep, if not debilitating.

I should have known, however, that this is how this story would go.

On the night of offers for this property, the buyer agent tried five or six times to submit a viable offer, but he kept screwing it up.

He offered a $2,000,000 deposit, for example, even though the purchase price was only $1,900,000.

Sure, he meant to offer a $200,000 deposit, but this was merely a sign of things to come as every successive iteration of the offer had one or more major screw-ups.

He ended up taking photos of his computer screen and texting them to me, as he asked for clarity on what his offer should look like.

You’re probably wondering, “How does a person like this get a real estate license?”  You might also be wondering, “Who hires this person, and why?

Good questions, and there are many more like it.  But suffice it to say, whether it was not understanding the difference between “excluded” and “included,” or whether it was not understanding a “title search date” versus a “closing date,” any and every problem that could have arisen, did.

The clincher had to be when the agent drove to my office at 10:30pm to deliver the deposit cheque.  I told him I would meet him outside in the front of the driveway and he drove down Vanderhoof Avenue, slowed down, paused as he looked at me, then sped off.  I called him and said, “Where are you going?  I was waiting for you at the front of the driveway.”  He said, “Oh, that was you?  I thought the person looked scary so I drove away.”

Once he drove into our parking lot, which was completely empty at 10:30pm, he circled the entire length of the lot, did a three-point turn, drove to the front of the lot, and then very carefully backed into a parking space……..and then into the wall.

The whole experience was just odd, and yet it was merely the appetizer for the delicious meal of incompetence that was about to be served up.

As we got a couple of weeks from the closing date, the buyer’s agent texted me and asked if the sellers would meet his buyer at the house during one of her “buyer visits.”

This is a common request, and while there’s no obligation on behalf of the seller to accommodate, it’s a nice thing to do.

I told him, “Sure, I could arrange that.  What did you have in mind?”

I was expecting him to say, “They just wanted to meet and put a face to a name,” or perhaps say, “The buyer wanted to ask a couple of questions.”

But the agent said, “The buyer needs to know how to use the house.”

My spidey-sense began to tingle a little and so I asked, “Use the house how?”

The agent said, “You know, like how to turn on the lights, work the fridge, take the garbage out, that sort of thing.”

I kid you not, folks.  This is all over text message and I’m combing through my archives as I write this!

Not wanting to be rude, I said to the agent, “Can you send me a list of questions, just so I can run it by my sellers?”

Part of me thought that maybe, just maybe, we were sitting on a ticking time bomb here; a buyer that has no idea what she’s buying, what the responsibilities of the seller are, how to actually live in a house, and so on.  I figured it was worth proceeding cautiously, just in case.

My suspicion proved correct, in the end, as the listing agent sent me a text message that said, “Few questions to start,” and it was insane.

1. How does the doorbell work?
2. Where are all the light switches in the house?
3. Where is the electrical panel (send photo)
4. Where is the water shut off (send photo)
5. How does the stove work? (we couldn’t work it during visit)
6. How do you reset the alarm code?
7. How does the garage work?
8. Who mows the lawn?

And this was just “to start,” per the agent’s text, and while a question like, “Where is the water shut off?” is reasonable and a helpful seller would have no problem answering, it’s all the questions, together, that is concerning, and a sign of things to come.

It was a problem, that’s for sure.

I immediately told my clients, “You should not meet with the buyer.  The buyer has no clue how this process works, nor does the agent.  The buyer is going to think she’s doing a pre-delivery inspection with you and will ask you to fix things before closing, trust me on this.”

And that’s pretty much what happened from there.

During the second-last buyer visit, the buyer agent followed up with her list of “issues” that the buyer wanted fixed before closing.

Things like a scratch on the hardwood, a missing window crank, a crooked curtain rod, some paint on the trim, a sticker on the wall, weeds in between the patio bricks, and so on, and so on.

But the problem is: none of these are deficiencies that need to be remedied.

This is the house that the buyer purchased.

The buyer didn’t purchase a different version of this house; one where all these “issues” weren’t present, but rather this is the SAME house the buyer saw when she visited and the SAME house on which the buyer submitted a successful offer.

Buyers need to remember that a “Pre-Delivery Inspection” or PDI only exists for new construction, not resale homes.

If there’s a scratch on the hardwood floor that’s been present for ten years, and was there when the buyer visited, it does not need to be “fixed.”

I always tell my clients, both buyers and sellers, “You’re buying the house you’re buying.  Not a different house.  Not a better house.  But this house.”

This was an eighty-year-old house.  The “missing window crank” could have been missing for fifty years.

This is a resale home, but more importantly, the home is delivered in the same condition in which it was purchased, and if the buyer is unaware, then that’s their problem.

In this case, the agent didn’t seem to know the difference either, which made it an even bigger problem.

I told the agent that my clients would not be able to meet the buyer in person, but that she could email me with any questions or issues and I would get back to her with answers.

I sent the agent a copy of the home inspection and noted that it described the systems (furnace, A/C, hot water tank, etc) and had photos therein, but he emailed back and said, “Can you send me purchase receipts please?”

Keep in mind, none of this is required on behalf of the seller, and I have honestly never been asked for receipts for furnaces, air conditioners, and hot water tanks before.

I knew that the buyer had no idea what to do, think, say, ask, or how to proceed, so the agent – who was equally as clueless, was just passing along any random thought or concern that the buyer had.

I answered all the buyer agent’s questions listed above, but he still pushed for a “meeting” between buyer and seller.

I cautioned my sellers and told them that this would open them to some sort of implied liability, and that the buyer could report back to her lawyer and say, “The seller said he would fix this,” and again, my seller-clients agreed that they didn’t want to meet.

I spent the next few days answering even more stupid questions, simply to move the process along.

I provided the buyer agent with a hyperlink to the “City Of Toronto Collection Schedule” to answer his question about garbage and recycling pickups, and he replied, “What days?”

You know that I wanted to tell him that he was a moron and that none of this was my job, but I didn’t want any issues upon closing and, more importantly, I wanted this to go as smoothly as possible for my clients.

The buyers used their last “buyer visit” the day before closing and I braced for impact.

I knew it was going to be ridiculous, but sadly, it was worse than I thought.

The agent called me during the visit to say that the stove didn’t work.  I assured him that it did and he said that he couldn’t figure it out.

He had never used a gas stove before.

He asked if I could come over and show him how to use it, and I told him that it was Sunday night.

He then asked if I could come over and show him how to use it.  That’s not a typo.  He simply asked again.

My clients had the house professionally cleaned even though it was not part of the Agreement of Purchase & Sale, but the buyer agent sent me a photo of the inside of the oven on the morning of closing and asked me to have it cleaned.

I was almost at the end of my rope.

Almost…

On the morning of the scheduled closing day, the buyer’s lawyer sent a note to the seller’s lawyer claiming that the stove was not functioning properly.

But the sellers, who clearly anticipated this, sent a photo of all four burners emitting a blue flame!

I read the emails, back-and-forth, as I dealt with my own “to-do” list from the buyer agent.

He wanted to know how the home security system worked, so I sent him a link to the manufacturer’s website.

He asked, “What do I do now?”

He sent me a photo of the satellite dish on the roof and asked, “What is this?”

I sent him a link to “Satellite Dish” on Wikipedia.

He asked me, “Where are the boundaries of the property,” so I sent him the survey, again, for the third time, but he responded, “I don’t understand.  I can’t read this.”

I suppose I was expected to show up with a can of spray-paint and mark the lot lines?

He asked “Who changes the filter on the furnace” and I realized just how much trouble the seller was going to have once she moved in.

Sure, you can hire somebody to change a filter.  But the expectation that “somebody” comes to change the filter, like you live in a condo, was troubling.

There was a panicked question about “Where the hot water tank was,” but I was able to calm him down by explaining that they had a tankless system.  Further explanation and direction was needed here, but what I mean was that eventually, I was able to calm him down.

The buyer wanted to know “Who cuts the grass” as well as “Who are all the neighbours.”

I suppose a list of residents on the street complete with names, photos, occupations, and interests should have accompanied the listing on MLS?

“What are the measurements of the garage?  What kind of car fits?”

That probably should have been investigated before committing $1.9M, but I digress.

The point is: none of this was my responsibility or the responsibility of the seller.

There’s something to be said for “going the extra mile,” or “killing ’em with kindness,” or even “do unto others as you would have them do to you.”

But this?

This was sad.

And it was dangerous, in my estimation, because the ignorance of the buyer and the agent could potentially result in one or both of them objecting to something seemingly unobjectionable and risking the deal closing.

While I was never close to “telling off” the buyer agent, as so many agents in my position would have done, I did think long and hard about sending him an email and suggesting that he hire a home inspector to come through the house and show him and the seller all the facets of the home so that they can learn about freehold properties and the systems therein.

But that might have caused them to suggest that my seller pay for it, or it could have caused them to worry that there was an issue we were hiding, or God only knows what else.

This was simply a case of two people who knew next-to-nothing about houses, who also might have lacked a little bit of life experience and problem-solving skills, somehow finding each other and working together on the purchase of a property.

Both my seller-clients and myself were acutely aware that we needed to treat them with kid gloves, all the way through closing, and we did exactly that.

Painful as it was, we got there.

The deal closed without incident.

I told my clients, “One day, you’ll look back at this and laugh!”

I just didn’t imagine that day would be the day after closing when my client said, “Can you send me some screen-shots of your text message exchanges?  I find this funny!”

I’ll do him one better.  How about an entire blog about it?

So what is the takeaway for those who have sold homes and have a closing pending, or those who are going to?

Surely, I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t be courteous and assist the buyers with answering questions, providing appliance manuals upon closing, or leaving a bottle of wine on the kitchen counter with a hand-written note.  However, I am suggesting that sellers be on the lookout for buyers who don’t understand the sale process or have unrealistic expectations…